chicago. it's been over a month since i've written. i don't think i've ever been so happy. i don't think i've ever been so sad. i miss my brother. i miss my pop, jacques, charlie, elise. everybody at home. i miss everything that i used to know. but here... everything is new. i'm in love with everything around me. the city is beautiful. at times, it seems like nothing changes. there are no trees, and it seems like without the leaves changing, there are no seasons. without the seasons, how will i know how to change? it's all myself from here on, and the thought of it scares me. i've never been so alone. but i have never been loved so much by a single person this way, and it's intriguing. trying to figure out the way someone's mind works is excruciating work, but worthwhile in the end. i think i've figured out a lot of things since i've come here. a lot of things about davey, and more things about myself. it's kind of scary knowing that i have some things that some people will never grasp. it's sad. but liberating in a way. half of me wants to go home. the other half wants to stay here because i'm in love. i've never felt this way before. like i'm being torn in half by gigantic strong arms with such incredible force, and it's one way or the other, but not without losing a piece of me.

i'm in love. and i'm going to chicago.

i woke up at five am , because i'm able to work at a gas station without giving them my social security number. it isn't much money , only $5.25 an hour , but it's better than nothing and the more i work , the more money i can make. i was done working at twelve pm , so i came home and fell asleep until three. it's now three-thirty and charlie and i are going to take a swim in the river for a while. last night , we found these dead frogs by the side of the river and we dissected them. we got blood underneath our fingernails and charlie cried a little bit. he told me that he was just remembering something else. even though most of the time we don't get along , i think he's going to miss me when i'm gone.

i woke up this morning with a beautiful boy asleep next to me. i got dressed and went outside to get the newspaper. my neighbor waved and shouted to me, "hey jean!" she called me jean. i didn't look at her. i went back inside and made scrambled eggs and coffee for davey. we got out of the house by eleven. we made a lot of calls , trying to find apartments for under $1600 in chicago. i hope this all works out.

my pop's wife called me this morning. she said that he had to go into the hospital last night because of his lungs. he's a filthy drunk.

another uneventful day. although i fell in love last night and in the moment of passion was asked to leave for chicago at the end of this month. without thinking , i said yes. i've no qualms about leaving. it's all i've been doing my whole life. now all i need to do is make some money so i can get there ... honestly , i am a bit nervous. moving to a big city with a near stranger. i'll be leaving charlie , who has been like a brother to me. he's given me everything. maybe not by choice , but he has and i've taken most of it for granted. i make myself sick. charlie cut my hair for me and it's too short. he said "well , i can't put any back now." i look like a paperboy circa 1932 or that little sherwin williams dutchboy. but i will get used to it eventually.

i rode around in an el dorado tonight with a boy named davey. we had ice cream and played with his kitten. he asked for a good night kiss and i gave him three. he said that next time , he'll ask for ten and expect thirty. i want to see him every night for the rest of my life.